Roller Coasters of Life

Before I get going, here is a brief update on things. My book is very informative, but I keep leaving it at work, so I am only about 1/3 of the way through it. I suck at handing out business cards, but I gave out 3 last week. The stranger I spoke to last week told me a lot about video games. I have compiled a bag of stuff to donate. My wounds are virtually all healed - see if I get near a treadmill again anytime soon.  That's about it.

My point of reflection today is on the relationship between disappointment and gratitude. I, like everyone, have had my ups and downs. Today’s “down” is the culmination of a professional roller coaster of sorts that I have been on since October. Unfortunately, I have no one to blame for it but myself, since I bought the ticket to ride and buckled myself in.

It all started when I got the opportunity to apply for a promotion. This promotion was to a position I was extremely familiar with (we’ll call it Job A). Frankly, I had been doing a lot of the work involved in the position for months. I figured I was a shoe in. So did my co-workers. Then my manager gave the position to someone I had never met and who had no previous experience in the position. As a “consolation prize”, at least in my mind, she offered me a temporary assignment in another vacancy (Job B) for about 3 months, until she could officially hire someone for the position, which could be me, but not for sure. I accepted this offer mostly for the bump in pay, even if it was temporary.

However, almost immediately after I accepted, an internal posting came out for a job that can best be described as “perfect for Sierra”. It involved teaching, coaching, cultural development and research. It would be the first time I got to actually use my degree. It would also mean an enormous raise. Basically, it was a dream. So, I convinced my manager to let me apply – I think she agreed mostly because she never imagined I would get it – and submitted the best cover letter I could scrap together. Three days after the posting closed I interviewed for the position (Job C). The interview went so well that they did not talk to anyone else. I accepted the job, but with the caveat that instead of starting mid-November I would start mid-January. I did not want to leave my current co-workers (who I adore) or my manager in a bind by not honoring my commitment, despite my elation and will to start immediately.

Everything was cruising along quite fine until mid-December, when all state agencies were suddenly put in a hiring freeze. This put everything up in the air for me. I had found my rhythm. Come to adore my new work team. Started to develop a friendship with the person who got Job A over me even. Then suddenly my manager couldn’t fill the position I was in to begin with and couldn’t hire someone for Job B either. However, since I had technically been hired for Job C in November, I was still eligible to take the position, if my manager would give her permission. She announced at our Holiday Luncheon that she had no intention of doing so. Then between Christmas and New Year’s, she said she was going to try and come up with a compromise. Then the week of my birthday she told me she would figure out a way to let me have this opportunity.

 I thought things were coming together. Then the people in my would-be new unit stop making eye contact in the halls. When I got in the elevator with them they just looked down. I knew trouble was brewing, but I couldn’t get a straight answer. Starting in December I just kept hearing “Be patient”. I was still hearing it from everyone I encountered. I was told I would know this Monday for sure if I was to start the new position on time, this coming Tuesday. On Monday that guarantee was moved to Friday, for sure this time.

This afternoon, like a lead balloon, the bomb was finally dropped. I didn’t need to pack up my desk. As a consolation prize, yet again, I was told that if things changed I was already authorized for them to take me. They would move the start date of Job C to January 2013. If they still needed the position then, it would be mine. And since my manager can’t fill Job B I can stay in it until the hiring freeze is over. 

I am overwhelmed with disappointment, in a very calm way. I got my hopes up that finally my hard work was paying off. I thought I had paid my karmic dues. I should know better than that by now. Dear reader(s), it is anecdotally true that I never get what I really want. If I am neutral on something and desperately passionate about another I know to make preparations for the lukewarm. I am like Lenny from Mice and Men. I love too much. I squeeze too tight and in the process rob myself. But I can’t stop squeezing.

The most surreal part of this whole adventure though, has been people’s reactions to the news today.  My manager offered to send out an e-mail announcing the news – or not news depending on your perspective- but I wanted to deliver the message in a more organic way. Allow for the emotional cues to be given to my fellow employees that I was not dying. My co-workers in Job B have been not been particularly subtle about rooting for Job C to fall through. They like me and want me to stay. They had to follow their cheers with an “I’m sorry, that sucks for YOU”. On the flipside, I had a friend shed tears on my behalf. In all cases, it has been a demonstration of how much people care about me.

For my part, I feel like it is selfish to mourn this loss I feel. It feels like a take away, but really I am experiencing the loss of something I never had. And what have I gained in these 4 months of riding the career-coaster? A modest raise. My first co-workers who I would dare call friends. Another co-worker who has lost sleep over the turmoil I have been going through. I have learned numerous new skills in Job B. There remains the possibility of someday still getting Job C. 4 months ago I was basically a secretary for 15 people; now I feel like a full-fledged employee of Revenue.

I have so much to be grateful for that it seems wildly childish to complain or dwell on the thousands of dollars more I would have made in Job C. Job B is not bad by any means. So, I gave myself the space to vent here. Tomorrow, I move on. Let so many good things in my work life blot out this painful blip. I will have faith that in the long term this will all work out.

I said I was meditating on the relationship between disappointment and gratitude. Well, if you spend enough time and energy counting your blessings and all the things you DO HAVE, it is awful hard to find the moments and will to dwell on what you DON’T.

I’m going to leave you with Bing Crosby. Watch the video and you will get my message. You have a lot to be grateful for, I hope you remember that.

A Wounded Knee and Challenge 3

So, first of all, thanks for stopping by! I appreciate your time. I hope you have had a better weekend than I have, though mine has been by no means terrible.

*****

Before I get to the meat of this posting, I would like to get 2 matters resolved. 

The first of which is the introduction of my Third Challenge:

Read a Self-Help Book 
This one is much more concrete than the previous two and for that I am extremely thankful. Originally I was going to read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. This is a book that I have had “used against me” by my mom more times than I can count. Growing up it bordered on a mantra because I was a kid that suffered from a fair amount of fear and anxiety. I won’t go into the details at this point, but I will provide one example. I was afraid of calling people. My own family. My best friend. Anyone. I would get myself so worked up over having to call my best friend to invite her to play that I would give myself mini-panic attacks. I would get the shakes. Have trouble breathing and develop a racing heart. It was awful. So, my mother, in her constant effort to help me grow, would tell me in these moments, “Breath. Now feel the fear and do it anyway.” I won’t say it worked every time, but I can tell you that those 9 words have popped into my head countless times when I needed them. I figure it is time to finally read the book that’s title alone helped shape my life. However, I forgot to borrow my mother’s copy when I was home this weekend. I still plan on reading it, but I don’t want to lose any “Challenge Momentum” by waiting to start this task, so I have decided to read, How Doctors Think by Jerome Groopman, MD. A good friend of mine recently sent it to me and while it may not be a self-help book by a standard definition, I know that it will help me immensely as I continue to live with a chronic illness. I will keep you updated on how the book is and when I finally get crackin on Ms. Jeffer’s book I will let you know what I think of it too. I will close this little section with a quote on the topic of fear and my own related mantra. Both have helped me embrace life more and more.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -not absence of fear. – Mark Twain

Fear is not justification for inaction. – Me? (Unless I stole it from someone else)

*****

The second short point that I would like to bring up is that My Fair Lady is a charming play in many regards, but has one of the worst endings I can recall seeing. Netflix has tagged the film version as “Feel-Good, Witty”, however I find it depressing and frustrating that she would end up with a man that seems unable to treat her well or demonstrate love. Additionally, “I sold flowers. I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else,” has to be one of the most raw and brutal lines in a supposedly up-beat and romantic play or movie I have ever heard. I was supposed to cry or laugh or clap when she returns to Henry Higgins, but all I could do was seethe. I wanted her to get her flower shop and find someone who’s “affection” didn’t closely resemble emotional abuse. Did I miss something?

*****

I was bound and determined to work out yesterday. In my infinite wisdom I decided to fire up my mom’s treadmill and do some brisk walking. Seems pretty safe right? For anyone but me that is. I have been on this treadmill probably 100 times or more and I have been walking for roughly 25 years now, so this task should have been simple. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to me, Satan decided to possess it sometime between the last time I used it and yesterday.

So, do you remember watching America’s Funniest Home Videos? Perhaps Bob Saget was the host? Well, I distinctly remember watching that show and laughing at other people’s misfortunes. After yesterday afternoon, I think I have settled up my karma on that one.  You know the videos where someone is on a treadmill and then is suddenly on their face? That happened to me. And I can tell you, it did not feel good. Luckily, my only thought in those chaotic seconds were, “Not my beautiful face!”- so I ended up just getting my legs chewed up instead of my nose. Check it out for yourself (and I was wearing pants on the treadmill):

  And just in case you were wondering, while hopping around in pain, I was also laughing really hard. Even in real life this sort of incident is funny. Unless you are my mom. :) 

This is sorta my excuse for not blogging yesterday, but it also is a great opportunity to tell you about how lucky I am. Yes, lucky to have my leg bleeding and sore. 

Why? Because there are few opportunities in life when you can really appreciate the people in your life who care about you.  And those little wounds, they ignited a minor skirmish between my mom and her "Sweetheart" over who got to patch me up. When was the last time you witnessed two people fight to help you? Or fight to help anyone for that matter?

I should probably back track a little here to give you a little more context as to why this was so meaningful to me. For some time I have had this mental image of "ultimate care" for another person being to help bandage their metaphorical knees. As if they have struggled so long and gone so far that they can no longer walk. Instead they must crawl to continue on and now they are unable to do even that. And in comes someone to clean their wounds and bandage them up, so that they may continue. An act of love and service at the most basic level, but unfortunately a rare act as well. 

So, here I was on a pretty grey afternoon experiencing the literal demonstration of this idea, and people were clamoring to help. While I leapt and the universe did not rise up to meet me, I did have people to help put me back together when I stumbled and fell. In my book that is pretty close, if not better. And at the end of the day, doesn't this sort of look like love?

Today I am sore, but I feel blessed, Teletubby Band-Aids and all. Life is full of precious opportunities for joy and chances to be happy and grateful, if we would just take the time to enjoy them. I aim to spend more time doing so. I just hope I don't need to get hurt every time to make it happen. 

P.S. This incident really proved to me that the decision to "Give up on dignity" was a good one. When was the last time you knew someone who got beat up by a treadmill?

Challeges 1 and 2 -AKA The Begining of Something New

So, why a blog?  As fate would have it the first card I drew was:

Tell all your friends and family about your goals to keep you accountable.

Well, since my friends are pretty well scattered to the winds, this seemed like the best way to at least try to share.  Hopefully some of you are reading this. As I said previously I have about 100 challenges that I intend to complete and I hope to gather a good chunk more in the coming days as I really gear up. Most of my current tasks are courtesy of a blog called livebold&bloom, http://liveboldandbloom.com/ . On this site, “100 Ideas for Bold Personal Growth” is posted. I stole probably 90 from that document – a few just were not applicable or are already a part of my practices. I intend to gather others from some of my favorite self-help books such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey (it is much more accessible, in my opinion, than his father’s original version) and Get Out of Your Own Way At Work by Mark Goulston . Both have small tasks to be completed incorporated into each chapter. If you have any ideas about where else I might get ideas, let me know.

Which reminds me, my second challenge is to:

Remain open and approachable to others.

I like to think this is something I am already pretty good at, but I have been caught off guard more times than I care to think about by comments regarding me seeming unapproachable, unfriendly or intimidating. At the end of the day it is the message received that matters, not the message sent, so I am going to try harder to demonstrate to people that I don’t bite.  I don’t have a clear “task” in mind for how to go about this (and would welcome any suggestions you might have), so for now I am going to reiterate my desire for this to be a dialogue. I am not interested in the feeling of talking to myself in an empty room. I want your reactions. I want to know if you think I am going about something wrong or perhaps even doing something right. Have suggestions? I want to hear them. If I was interested in only my own thoughts I would be journaling.

Oh, BTW, here are my 5 New Year’s Resolutions:

1.       Give up on dignity. I am clumsy. I speak before I think. Regularly, calamity befalls me in a brutally public fashion. In short, I am embarrassing and mortifying things happen to me, so it is time to embrace it, stop worrying about the disaster around the corner and just laugh off the humiliation. I bequeath my dignity to someone who actually has a use for it.

2.       Go to the gym regularly. I know this one is a cliché, but it is what it is. I need to put down the Funions, get off the couch and introduce myself to the local elliptical machine. I’m paying for a membership, so I might as well be using it. Shooting for a minimum of 3 days a week, but we will see how that goes.

3.       Donate more stuff. More specifically, by the end of the year I would like to say that I gave at least 24 bags of stuff to charity – and that no longer means Goodwill. I am a little mad at them, here is why: http://www.bizjournals.com/portland/print-edition/2011/10/07/goodwill-ceo-highest-paid-in-state.html?page=all  Call me childish, but it isn’t like there is a shortage of worthy organizations, albeit less convenient ones, that aren’t throwing money at their executives.

4.        Give out at least 1 business/calling card a day. There are two reasons for this. The primary one is that I need to get better at networking. I hate even thinking about “working my contacts”, so this is definitely an area for improvement if I want strong professional growth this year. Handing out a card at every opportunity seems like a good starting point for this challenge. Secondly (and secretly probably my primary reason), I want as many people as possible to see my awesome business/calling cards. I made new ones a month or two ago and I love them. Like crazy love them. I designed everything about them and could not be more satisfied with the result.

5.            Meet one new person a week. I am such a homebody. And I hate strangers. This makes strong social networks and making new friends tricky. I also think it is time I stop being such a sissy. So I am going to try and pick out an interesting person each week and attempt to start a chat. This will probably be an epic fail most of the time, but if it’s not, by some miracle, I will give them my card.

What are your goals right now? What did you resolve for 2012?

An attempt at change

Today is my birthday. While this may seem like an odd day to start a blog, for me it is quite natural. On this day over the years I have been known to make ridiculous proclamations and demands. Throw last minute birthday celebrations. Have a huge hissy fit where I just sit in my room and cry. There are many ways to mark another year passing and I have certainly done a variety of them. This is more or less just another.
For me, it is often a day of reflecting on the journey thus far and a time to dream of the adventures yet to come. And to celebrate life in general, because, really, any day where you wake up is worth basking in a little. So here I am, now 26, and feeling a little stuck in life. Nothing to complain about, but not a whole lot to look forward to either. And I am planning to change that.
I woke up yesterday wanting to be able to say that I had achieved more, seen more and had more when I turned 26. And while it is too late to fix that regret – at least until I perfect my time machine- it is not too late to greet 27 knowing that I went out and did everything I could to develop a better life for myself across the board.
So, I started gathering challenges (more on the details of how later). Some bite sized, some more of a “mouth full”. Some familiar and easy to digest. Others scary or so far beyond my comfort zone that they will probably give me a little indigestion. I have about 100 challenges written on cards now. And I am hoping to gather another 50 or so along the way. What am I going to do with them? In the next 365 days I plan to complete them all. To feast on life and see how I grow. Some won’t take more than a few minutes; others will require a week or more of commitment. I have no qualms about overlapping opportunities and challenges. Life certainly doesn’t let me do things one at a time, so why should I cut myself slack.
I plan on carrying my cards with me as a reminder of the adventure I have started. Plus they will then be readily available when I want to draw a new one. I promise I will shuffle them often so I am as surprised as you are at what comes next. No cheating and no peeking.I am going to do my best to “act as if it were impossible to fail”[1]. Try new things and step out into the unknown with faith that I will be rewarded and supported. The title of this blog is a quote from one of my favorite books,Stargirl  by Jerry Spinelli. The URL is a reference to the fact that although I have tried to blend in or be more like everyone else, I am stuck being “impossibly me”, Sierra. Like it or lump it, I am here to stay.
I hope you will follow me on this journey; I could certainly use all the support I can get. I would love your words of encouragement along the way, but would truly adore your thoughts and stories. If I touch a nerve, let me know. Perhaps you will feel inspired by a couple of my challenges and try to take them on too. Feel free to join in. Let me know how it goes.

[1] Dorthea Brande